Greetings in this part of Europe aren’t entirely positive yet, i.e. when asking “How are you,” one might hear “Ah, could be better” in response. Usually such a curt statement is followed by less telegraphic descriptions of the dire situation which caused our responder to suffer oh so greatly. At the same time, we feel contempt for “typically American” expressions like: “Very well, thank you” or “If I would feel any better, I’d probably fly away.” (I think I exaggerated with the last one a bit.) Why? People from post-socialist countries believe it’s downright falseness.

I recall Brian Tracy proving that honest (i.e. gloomy) replies had little sense in the first place.
In short, it is quite normal (and healthy), that the other person doesn’t give a damn about your problem or bad mood. If anything, he or she might feel uncomfortable with your sincerity or helplessness, or perhaps show you sympathy – out of politeness. Maybe it would be better to “provide a positive experience” instead? 

But there is another part of the story. And it doesn’t apply solely to greetings. While discussing problems in a group of people, we tend to overestimate the difficulties we had to overcome ourselves – as opposed to those of others. In a way, we try to outshout the rest of the group. We want to prove that “ours was the deepest hole.” Why?

It’s one of those occasions when we could practice self-restraint instead.

Encouraged by a friend of mine I took a look at this new title called Sham: How the Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless by Steve Salerno. It’s currently on my to-read / to-buy list (BTW, there’s at least one other title of similar nature).

The fact that a book like that was published in the first place triggered enough thoughts already. You see, I’m not a big fan of “the self-help industry” myself – in the sense that [1] some person [2] tells others what to do.

[1] Some person

Do I know what the author is really like? Do his/her actions speak as loud as his/her words? What’s the person’s background? What is his or her make-up, traits of character?

“Did you ever stop and wonder who decided that these people had all the right answers for you? Have you taken business advice from a former Mormon missionary (Stephen Covey), or relationship advice from a woman on her fifth marriage (Barbara De Angelis) or one of her ex-husbands (John Gray)? (When asked on the Howard Stern show about her recurring trips down the aisle and likely skill at smart relationship advice, De Angelis retorted, ‘At least I know when a relationship should end!’)”

Source: http://www.absolutewrite.com/specialty_writing/self_help.htm

[2] Tells

You cannot build a bridge between what is and what you’d like it to be just like that. Changing takes time and persistence for one thing. Secondly – why would you believe time and persistence were enough anyway? After all, we don’t know how much of who we are is really… changeable in the long run.

Besides, instead of simply being told, I’d rather have a look.

There is one thing though. Inspiring books can be just that – inspiring. They can provide insight in the same manner as we look into others to better understand and shape ourselves. Reading is never as efficient as acting out, mind you. But it shouldn’t do much harm. I hope to accomplish a similar thing with entries on progressblog.com. Increase my own awareness, learn, rethink, share & inspire. And hopefully – grow.

Back in the nineties, the Internet was a mysterious place. A new technology. No fancy browsers, no sleek online tools – low-bandwidth modem connections were the bottleneck. Crappy images and a handful of text-based IRC, MUD clients were the reality. Three forces ruled this market:

1. Sex
2. Tech / Geek / Games
3. Social

While I don’t want to discuss the first two, the social aspect of the Internet is currently being rediscovered. For a number of us, it started with the Internet Relay Chat or MUDs. A longer while later came ICQ. And then hell broke lose. Marketing reps appeared out of nowhere and someone said: “The Internet is OURS! We knew it would be from the start!” IRC died slowly, chats weren’t popular in the early adopters group. Different age groups started to appear online, more women started to appear online. A whole new cake.

Now we are talking about online personal branding.

Here’s the point. Back in the ol’ days, it occurred to some of us that by embracing the net we strive to gain more [virtual] meaning, yet end up with a prosthesis of a social life. With the exception of family and friends, real value is about becoming someone and not simply being someone. It’s good to look for real value in our presence online.

Life and death are interrelated. Pretty obvious, huh? I like to call it “the cleaning cycle,” as it reminds me of the seasons of a year. “Making space” is another expression. But it’s not a light subject and I don’t want to ponder over it today.

What came to my mind in the first place was an inaccurate quote:

“You cannot be fully happy with life, if you are afraid of death.”

There was a great speech delivered by Steve Jobs on June 12, 2005. He mentioned death and how awareness in that matter added perspective to his life. A sample quote:

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Source: http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
Video coverage available here: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc].

Definitely worth reading.

If I want something to happen, it better be fast. Delaying gratification does not come easy. It’s critical to learn this skill early in life though. Most surely, it will affect some important aspects of your life (e.g. studying, saving, career).

Three things seem to be crucial here:

1. Thinking with an end in mind.
2. Sustaining momentum.
3. Celebrating success.

1. Thinking with an end in mind

This is one of Stephen R. Covey’s seven habits for successful people. Having the big picture in mind – not only with regard to life, but any project or task at hand. Seeing it as a whole, even if an initiative is broken into smaller chunks (to make it more manageable).

Speaking of breaking into pieces, take a look at The Four Precepts of Rene Descartes’ Discourse on the Method. Some things don’t change.

2. Sustaining momentum

It’s difficult to maintain the same pace throughout the whole run. Routine helps a lot here, good tools are useful. Most important of all is to have regular checkpoints to review and celebrate the completion of any intermediate task (product) on our way. Falling behind is not an option.

It’s good to remember that any lack of rest can cumulate and produce depression. In turn, our mood influences the way we perceive things. Our viewpoint changes easily, the consequences of our decisions – do not.

In addition, take a look at The Progress Blog’s earlier entry – The Track to Mastery.

3. Celebrating success

Even the most teeny tiny success deserves celebration. If you don’t know how to cherish your progress, do you really believe you would be happy “at the end of the road?”

I’ve always marveled at my Dad’s low expectations of material things. He doesn’t care about new technology (unless absolutely necessary), he doesn’t see much sense in changing e.g. a shaver “if it ain’t broke.” The list of such examples is long. Dad doesn’t need much living space. In fact, all his necessary belongings fit on two or three wardrobe shelves.

I remember him saying once:

“Every new thing costs time.”

Here’s a related quote from the movie Fight Club:

“Things you own end up owning you.”

A minimalistic life (like the one mentioned above) may seem dull. The point, however, is this… All the people I knew, who lived in such a manner, seemed happy and accomplished. More than the average. Of course, this might be a side-effect of a specific mind-set and not the result of being minimalistic, but… I don’t think so.

With all the consumerism around, it’s good to be reminded that “constant deficiency” is but a myth crammed into our heads. One can be happy, or perhaps happier, without “stuff.”

One question I like to ask the people I meet – ‘where do you picture yourself on the scale of routine vs. change?’ Change is certain. However, at a certain moment in life our abilities to cope with it differ. That’s one thing. Another – individual differences. Those two make up our position on the routine vs. change scale:

I believe, that all of us need a bit of routine in our lives. Our morning rituals, the way we tidy up things at home, the way we make coffee at work, our standard breaks, our alignment with the day and night cycle. Routine is like squares / lines on the pages of a notebook – it can play the role of a reference point. It can be the basis one needs to cope with change more efficiently. Some need more, some need less. It depends.

* * *

I have to cut the entry short. My little son is already awake. And I’m a grass widower.